This material is meant to inform and protect those who may otherwise be unknowingly coaxed into the position of PARENT. While much is known about this position, much remains a mystery until one is eternally locked into the commitment. For the sake of justice and honesty, it is imperative that these mysteries be revealed beforehand so that subjects may make informed decisions on whether or not to engage in such a responsibility. To aid in this clarity and honesty, three points will be addressed.
#1 Your sanity will be compromised. While this may seem like no secret, the extent to which this occurs is extreme. Parents-to-be prepare themselves for sleepless nights, rank odors, mountains of laundry, and baby gear that is specifically designed to break down the already broken mind. What is often left to the new parent to discover is that they will find themselves coming back for more, every single day. They will willingly wake up more times than there are hours in the night to soothe a crying child, and enjoy it. They will continue to spend hard-earned money on gear and gadgets that protect and entertain their child, while simultaneously unhinging themselves. They will read the same bedtime story so many times, they can effortlessly recite it backwards, every other word, upside down. They will change diaper after diaper, clean up vomit and diarrhea and boogers day in and day out, and then kiss the face of the poop-factory that produces such unholy substances.
#2 Your emotions will run higher, deeper, and wilder than you thought possible. Closely related to the point made about sanity, you will find your emotions to be something different than they once were. If you think you know despair now, parenthood will teach you desperation unbounded. Think you feel anger? When you find yourself unable to solve problems upsetting your infant and/or growing child, or worse–learn about someone or something that causes them undue harm, you will understand rage. Sadness becomes grief and devastation that others might not survive. Know what happiness feels like? Parenthood will bring the sense of elation and joy that will have you flying higher than a kite, will make you laugh out loud just because you are happy, will make your spirit soar and your soul explode with sunshine and kisses. Yes, any emotion you know consider yourself familiar with will increase in intensity exponentially with each child that you take on as a parent. What’s more, new parents will inexplicably come by a supernatural ability to control these emotions–though be warned, when they get out of control, it would be advisable to retreat to a safe-room to expend whichever emotion breaks loose to avoid embarrassing or scarring innocents.
#3 You will have important points to make, but will find yourself too tired to remember them.
There you have it. It is our hope that some of those things left unclear to the pre-parenthood crowd have been illuminated. Do not be lured unknowingly. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart, though it may turn the faint of heart into valiants and heros. In conclusion, if you do not wish to be stretched to the very edge of your endurance, if you do not desire understanding and wisdom unavailable to the general population, if the idea of personal growth and development at the cost of convenience and comfort does not appeal to you, if the thought of creating your own small humans to keep you company and provide endless entertainment and emotional fullness is repulsive to you, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT embark on the journey of parenthood. This concludes this warning.